whateverblondie blog

So, I’ve been on a journey. Well life is a journey, but as expected the journey changes as the seasons to our life change. Part of this journey includes an online course I came across on the DailyOM site called, ‘A Year To Clear What is Holding You Back’. I felt stuck so figured hey, why not try to clear that block?

http://dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=532

Here is me. I am a mother of 2 children with beautiful souls. 1 lovely little girl full of so much life and determination, love and kindness. She’s sensitive and a bit of a fire cracker with a gentle inner nature! We also have 1 little boy we call “the gentle bulldozer”. He is loving, sweet and a tank. He’s not “huge” in stature, although he is bigger than average. He is not rambunctious, but he is lively and quite entertaining. So, currently my life is being a full time mother. Some days I am in love with being a SAHM (Stay at Home Mother) and other days I am a little less infatuated with the role. No romanticism here! Saying that, I always feel blessed/fortunate to have this time at home with them. Yes, even when I am not in love with it I feel that way. Rose coloured glasses eh!

The questions I’ve been seeking answers to for years are: Where am I going? What am I doing? What do I want from life and how do I want to help my family achieve our goals? How am I going to contribute to our success; not only financial but emotional, mental, spiritual?

Just over 4 years ago I was a top producing sales rep in an industry where I truly felt I had found my place and could be doing good for others. My friends and husband used to laugh at me for my constant enthusiastic commentary about my job. I was a wheelchair sales rep (our actual title was “Mobility Consultant”). To me the role was cool, interesting. I mean, how many people do you know that sell wheelchairs? It wasn’t a “sales” role in the conventional sense (and truly believe it). How can you sell a wheelchair to someone who doesn’t NEED one? It is not one of those things you see and say to yourself, “I just have to get one of those!” No, it was a role that was more about providing a real life solution to a real personal need.

I’d like to believe that my contributions to the wheelchair industry were numerous. From the companies I worked for to the manufacturers, the physio and occupational therapists to the care facilities and most importantly to the end user and their families. In my heart I believe I made a difference, at least once.

It came as a shock to me when my last employer, the one where I put work above my own life, all in the desire to become a top producing sales rep, told me they were having to make some organizational adjustments. Government funding was changing, both federally and state wide, and they were worried for the survival of their company being that a bulk of their business was from Government funded clients. I cried openly for my boss, the owner, as he explained that he had to remortgage his family home, how he and his wife were worried for their retirement. I accepted that it was a real possibility that I may not have a job when I returned from maternity leave. It was all just a “maybe, and possibly” that a few employees would be made redundant; I was one of those people being considered. My sadness at this point was not for me, it was for THEM. I even told my boss that I was concerned for my co-workers and that I totally understood his situation.

It was a month before I was due to return to work from maternity leave, and my daughters 1st birthday, when I opened the mailbox and inside was a letter outlining my dismissal and the redundancy package. I knew the letter was coming but my outrage was due to their explanation for choosing ME for redundancy. My ego took a massive hit. My journey was taking on a new vastness of space, a new path; I felt very lost. My belief is there is always a silver lining if you are open to finding/seeing one. I decided mine was this: I no longer needed to worry about childcare and juggling the details of all that. Phew!

Fast forward to today, over 3 years on since that letter was in my hand and devastation was in my heart. I’ve been afforded the daily opportunity to see my daughter grow and be her primary carer. She and I have travelled extensively together, mostly to Canada and New Zealand, but we got to do it, us 2 hand in hand. We have a very connected bond and I believe it is due to the opportunity that was provided to me by my last employer. See, another silver lining!

My husband and I got pregnant about 6 months after our daughter turned 1 but sadly that pregnancy only got to 18 weeks when our sleeping baby boy was delivered. That’s a story for another time though. Do not fret or feel bad for us. The experience gave us plenty to be thankful for. One thing in particular was the chance for me to finally allow myself to be vulnerable. Also, my husband was able to show me that I could be taken care of, emotionally, physically and spiritually by someone else. Yep, the silver lining! Without that baby I could still be wandering this earth believing the misconception that I only have me!

7 months after that baby was born I was growing a new life inside me. A life that my husband and I felt positive was meant to be. I didn’t even need a pregnancy test to know if I was pregnant. I will always recall the moment I knew our new life was growing. I was sitting on the floor near the TV and I knew! Something in me clicked and I said to myself, “well, I’m pregnant. Hello little baby!” No need to spend the money to confirm or pee on a little stick hoping you missed your own hand as the stream flows out. We waited a few days and bought the test anyway. No surprise! That 2nd line announced itself like a raging fire. We were delighted!

Welcome world, our little boy is here! Born on the day of LOVE even.

When our son was born I had promised myself that I wasn’t going to worry about what career was next, like I had for the preceding years. Instead my focus was about being a mom to 2 and enjoying that life. Somehow my promise sprang a leak and I was seeping air, quick! I was floating around the sky like a balloon that slipped out of your fingers mid inflation. I was going left, right, up, down and with no detailed map to keep me on course. I was everywhere! There were hair-brain ideas, some good ideas that simply became stale, and some ideas that hit the trash before I could even finish verbalizing them to myself.

I was feeling overwhelmed, unfocused, unable to enjoy what was right in front of me and worried that I wasn’t contributing anything to our family. Sometimes I was even angry (yikes!). What I realize now is that I AM contributing. I am helping to raise 2 wonderful children. Helping provide a framework for them to grow into kind, thoughtful and productive members of society, while giving them space to discover the world themselves. Most days I feel I’m doing pretty good at this parenting thing. Not every day though. Don’t misinterpret me, I have my share of “Oh, did I really just say/do that?” I’m not perfect but I am perfectly me. And that’s enough.

So, why am I writing this if it seems I’ve got it all figured out? Well secret is, I don’t! That is the point of my words. I am embarking on a new journey. My balloon is laying on the floor deflated and I am going to leave it that way. The next while (notice my lack of time frame provided?) I am going to do a bit of self reflection, self building and sculpting. My mind, spirit and soul will be nourished.

When that is accomplished I believe that my wild floating balloon will be more of a developing road map. With obvious construction zones being tended to and definitive paved roads with flowering trees and green grass for me to venture down. Nothing will ever be complete but certain things will be clear. What I am supposed to do will just be “there” for me to construct and nourish into whatever it is going to be.

At this moment in time I believe it will have something to do with spatial clearing, physically and internally, nurturing of our lives, our homes and our earth. Perhaps something minimalism like. It is exciting to see where this time will take me. This is the first time in awhile that I am excited for the journey and not seeing it as groundhog day. I invite you to come along for the ride if you like….

Edited by Rhiannon